A friend of mine recently told me I'm too sure of myself. It was a passing remark in reference to a random joke, but it still stuck with me. And it got me thinking. Am I truly like that? Have I already graduated from the university of life? Do I already know everything I will ever need to? Am I never nervous about anything anymore?
I would hope not. I'm just 22 right now. If I knew all there is to know about me already, that'd be a waste of the rest of my life. It'd be like binge watching life. It's a sensory overload easily forgotten because I didn't take the time to watch each episode (of life) with my full attention.
I've always known that I maintain an incorrigibly narcissistic outlook on life. I actually also know the reason for it too. And contrary to prior proclamations, it's not because of raw charisma and a fiery personality. It's a psychological response to a fundamental issue that arose in my childhood. But that's story for a another time. Point here is, I am aware of my persona in the public view. At least the one that I strive to maintain.
Maintaining it is a never ending expedition in self preservation and casual manipulation though. Always having to know more. Always having to be better. There's always the thought that maybe, everyone sees right through me; so one must back it up with a display of braggadocio and swagger to sell the effect believably. Believe me the irony of airing out the intricacies of my fake personality on a blog post on the internet where everyone can read about it is not lost on me; but for some reason I feel like addressing it.
Being vulnerable is something I taught myself not to do very early on in life, and in all honesty it's not let me down yet. It's gave me a sense of security, of not being affected by things happening around me. Some might say it's a superficial and unsustainable way of life, but then again, I am not some. That's probably why I appear overly sure of myself.
Still. The question arises. If it's not letting me down, why am I thinking about it?
Let me try and answer that.
I think life is brutal. You're here for a finite amount of time, and once you're gone, your presence will have been inconsequential in the long run. Yet, people enter life with hopes and dreams and aspirations and as they progress, their attitude toward life changes as well. Bright eyed innocence and child-like wonder turns to cynicism. And yes that's harsh, but is it far from the truth?
Now, I think I've had the good fortune of having my dosage of cynicism not be so potent as most, due to the aforementioned absence of vulnerability. Hence I've never gotten surprised much. Never really stumbled. Never felt like I was lost and directionless.
And I don't think I like that very much. Because what's the point of it all if you can't be surprised. What's the point if you know what to expect? Or at least know how to react. I think I'm kind of done with keeping the guard up.
I've realized I'd like to fail more. Do dumb stuff more. Not care more. And I suppose in the process of doing all of those things, I might be able to live more.
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